Hey B! If you can still drink a cosmo without shame, then I think I should be able to rock my skinny jeans. It’s all about the styling damnit!
Buuuuut...we’re keeping it real, aren’t we... Well then shit - I don’t know that I would wear them on picture day if that’s what you’re asking. *sigh* Fine. I’ll take them off and put on some big girl pants - but if I do, there are some other bitches out there who need to make some changes too...
First, you know those shoes you bought at Nine West? You remember...the ones you bought during season three of Sex and the City. The ones you bought the super-long jeans for (and then wore the jeans with flip flops and fucked them all up)? Well, if you can’t walk in the shoes, it is time to throw them OUT. SATC is on TBS now for fuck’s sake. The only person not wearing flats these days is Victoria Beckham - and you are not her. I can’t even count the number of women I see every day gimping around like Quasimodo because their shoes are too tight, or too high, or too fucking cheap. Trust me, you do not look cute teetering around like a crackhead. And no one really believes you’re walking that slow because you’re too elegant to rush - we can all see that limp you’re trying to hide...not to mention that blister oozing out between your heel and the Aldo pleather. Hey, don’t get me wrong about cheap shoes - I have at least one pair from Target. Just because they’re Jimmy Choo’s doesn’t mean you automatically get a pass. If you can’t do a fucking pick-and-roll in those things you shouldn’t be wearing them. Take this as fair warning from here on out - if you’re standing between me and my train, and you can’t hustle in those shoes, I will push you down the Subway stairs and step on your fake Gucci bag on my way through the closing doors.
And now it’s time for the lightning round:
Signature bags: Make you look like a walking billboard (I make exception for LV - the real shit). And yes, I know some of you are pathetic enough to buy them because you want people to know you’re carrying a Coach bag. If you think that way, you should probably be using your money to make your Rent-A-Center payments instead of buying purses.
Jewelry with your name in it: See above re: SATC. You are not Carrie Fucking Bradshaw. Unless you live in the hood and carry a weapon, in which case you can do whatever the fuck you want.
Gladiator sandals: These are the reason the Empire fell. And the reason the guys at work call you “Cankles”.
I think this is enough for now. But depending on where this whole fedora thing goes, we may have to have another chat...
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